Director of the RAC Foundation, Steve Gooding, dials up his Christmas cheer with a competitive bid to be on the ‘nice’ list.
Dear Mr Claus,
I am writing to you in accordance with the Department for Transport’s (DfT) funding allocation requirement to prove that we have been ‘good’. Let me start by observing that the instance of your being fined for contravention of a yellow box junction last December has now been reviewed by our team.
We understand that at approximately 2m length per reindeer and 3m for your sleigh you are operating a vehicle some 9m long and as such it is difficult sometimes to avoid being caught in this way. This of itself is no excuse, particularly for a vehicle which is capable of flight. However, following publication of the Plan for Drivers we accept that the markings of the box junction could have been clearer and will be repainted before any further fixed penalties are issued. We are therefore willing to drop our case against you.
In a similar vein, we have looked again at the instance of your entering a designated bus lane and your suggestion that we add reindeer-hauled-sleighs to the list of vehicles authorised to use these lanes in future.
We have considered carefully your proposal, but, with regret, we fear the consequent need to amend our signs in accordance with the strictures of the Traffic Signs Regulations and General Directions 2016 would involve lengthy negotiations with the Department for Transport, it being troublesome enough to find space on our signs for the motorcycle symbol.
We do, though, accept that the lane as marked is difficult for the drivers of long vehicles to avoid at the location you were photographed and we will therefore be revisiting the engineering of this spot.
You ask for an exemption for your vehicle to our Clean Air Zone. It appears that as ruminants feeding on a diet of leaves, grasses and moss reindeer do emit methane: problematic for the achievement of our net zero carbon policy. That said, in respect of NOx and particulate matter we are more open to persuasion – we accept that hoof wear is less of an issue for us than tyre wear, and we note that other reindeer-related emissions left on the carriageway are a potentially valuable resource for fertilising the Mayor’s rose garden; hence I can confirm that we will be issuing an exemption.
While our technical department is still asking questions about the relative merits of the ski-like runners on your vehicle compared to wheels, it appears they do offer some advantages in being able to span and glide over the many potholes you have observed on our network. We have raised this with the RAC and are awaiting a response in the New Year.
My colleagues have asked me to draw your attention to the fact that as the operator of a particularly heavy vehicle, bearing, as it does, a considerable payload of presents, you should plan your route to avoid our weight-restricted road bridges, which we would dearly love to bring up to full strength when the necessary capital maintenance funding becomes available.
I am afraid there is little I can do on your concern about my councillors’ desire to ban wood-burning stoves and other such means of domestic heating. I can see that squeezing presents through an air-source heat pump may cause certain logistical issues for you.
We note that the Government’s enthusiasm for the promotion of heat pumps has waned recently, and suggest you take the opportunity to explore alternative delivery options, such as leaving your gifts in the front gardens of those lucky enough to have them, perhaps next to the electric cars that should be parked on them for recharging purposes.
Lastly, my contacts in the customs and revenue department have suggested that you look closely at the rules of origin regulations since these are likely to affect the duty payable on your gifts – none of us wants to see our constituents waking up to an unnecessary 10% levy on Christmas morning.
I would like to stress that our council is enthusiastic about digitising our traffic regulation orders, and we are already looking beyond Clause 93 of the Automated Vehicles Bill to consider how best we might develop composite orders to consolidate and digitise our existing TROs.
We are also planning to be early volunteer participants in the National Parking Platform. And we promise only to adopt 20mph limits where the case for doing so is clear, and supported by local residents.
On that basis I hope you will agree that we have met the criteria for being ‘good’, and as such we would hope you might look favourably on our bid for a share of the DfT’s £70m traffic signals funding, and for a share of the highway maintenance windfall funding widely expected now that Phase 2 of HS2 is no more.
Please let me know should you require any further details.
Yours sincerely
Chief executive, Melchester County Council
(Care of Steve Gooding, RAC Foundation)
